Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
We were tripping too hard to figure out to tell him where we were so we sent a picture of me laying outside the tent saying "find us"
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
