3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
Yes. Hungover. All the boys are going wakeboarding. Boys only. I wish I was a gay guy so I could go wakeboarding but still suck dick.
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Randomize
