So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
It'd probably just be a lot of profanity and hyperventilation and deteriorating into tears anyways
so just a regular conversation then
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
Randomize
