I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
we need to get ahold of those "sexting" teens on tyra. HAWT!
wasnt one 13?
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
i regret nothing . he quoted dr. suess . he deserved that bj .
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
We are not buying weed off a guy from the internet.
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
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