glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
Floor bacon is actually really good
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
Randomize