my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
mondays should just be called national damage control day
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
As shirtless as possible
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
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