The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
ok thanks goodnight
Also before you go to bed i just have to get it out there that i really like macklemore as a person
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
Randomize
