You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
his mom walked in, looked at me, sighed n nsaid 'when are u gonna learn' n walked out
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
he would NOT stop making out with my stomach! creeeeeepy
Randomize
