Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
Randomize
