So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
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