Going to bed naked. Too bad I am all alone. Need to make some changes. Either sleep with clothes or with you
I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
I'm on page 4.
Im on beer infinity
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
i sent him a nude and he responded 6 hours later
what did he say?
"oh m god,,, whow '!!!!nm"
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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