Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
Randomize
