I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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