I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
Randomize
