Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
he just fucked me for my cheese..
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
Randomize
