...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
Randomize
