I have no idea what her name is. I only remember putting my dick between her ass cheeks.
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Randomize
