I have no memory of puking on someone. Was he cute?
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
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