I just saw a hot homeless man
You can't special order awesome
well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
We bought a pool from walmart at 2am...and to make matters even more white trash we headed to Applebee's for half off appetizers and corona-ritas
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
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