Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
just found the deal breaker
hairy back?
he can't live within 1000 ft of a school
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
So... he's my second cousin's step-bro... To do or not to do?
Randomize
