My first STD was from a foam party
I have a very awkward question for you. Could you possibly take my black dildo. My mom wants to clean my room.
just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
Randomize
