Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
I HATE DRINKING WITH JUST GIRLS, ITS 1030 THEYRE ALL HAMMERED AND TALKING ABOUT HOW AWESOME THEIR SHOES ARE!!!!!!!
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
Randomize
