I think I won the penis lottery.
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
Randomize
