I puked a lego.
is it true you fucked a yoga instructor last night??! ..and let me know if you want me to post that question on your facebook so kelly can see how happy you are without her
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
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