If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
Well I'm glad to hear the fight wasnt over his small dick.
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
Randomize