so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
We had sex in the tent after his 6th beer and while we were at it we had conversations with the people outside the tent.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
Man I can't wait till Thursday if strippers and beer are what you consider "research"
you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
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