I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
He sent a video of him jacking off....class will be awkward tomorrow
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
Randomize