If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
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