just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
Is it because I queefed?
we should wear snuggies to the strip club
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
Randomize
