Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
Dude ! Why is there vomit with whole pieces of sushi in the shower when the toilet is not more than 2 feet away ? btw you need to chew your food better,
I've done 29 out of the 30 things to do to a naked man according to Cosmo. I don't know if that makes me innovative or slutty.
Genius.
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
I think not having bongs in close range is good for my academia
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
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