Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
My blowjobs put them in a state of relaxation similar to that of getting hit with a tranquilizer. The fear comes after the sex.
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Randomize
