I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
My friends, they love my intelligence
Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
Im currently watching two girls making out. In the library. Hope your studying is going as good as mine is. Haha
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
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