I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
WHY IS SHE PANDERING YOU, A SIMPLE GOBLIN, TINY WEENER PICTURES OVER STATE LINES
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
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