It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
So... 5th graders can't whisper for shit, but apparently I have an awesome rack.
Haha. Niice.
Yeah, I didn't know whether to be shocked or flattered.
both.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
The girl in the white might have stds. I'm strangely okay with this.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
There is an alarming amount of urine in here.
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
Randomize
