He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
Randomize
