Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
whatever happens this semester dont let me be that girl yacking in the urinal. again.
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
Randomize
