There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Randomize
