My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
Snuck into a camper in someone's yard. Hotboxing. Can't wait until they go in it.
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
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