i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
They need a stunt cock, be about 20 more minutes.
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
I could probably do something when Im able to get enough strength to think about thinking about to stand.
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
Randomize
