hey can i ask you a kinda weird question?
i know what the question is. yes they are bigger, and no i did not get plastic surgery
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
Brb crying the tears of my youth
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
Randomize
