She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
Cure to hiccups..road head..high five
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
What happened to fro yo and sex?
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
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