my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
Someone stole a lamp last night.
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
Randomize
