hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
Well the police had to intervene and I couldn't exactly feel my legs by the end of the night, but I'd say it was a successful Friday night.
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
Between the deep breathing and nipple piercings , I thought I was in the twilight zone
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