Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
just answer this one ? for me. why is there human shit in my shower right now?
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
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