Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
I DON'T WANT TO KNOW THE SCIENTIFIC REASONING BEHIND WHY I STARTED A HAREM ESPECIALLY NOT FROM A GUY IN THE HAREM!
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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