She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Randomize