rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
He has some good qualities. Beneath the layers of asshole and fat.
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
Randomize
