Whiskey dick.
Yea dude! Love it. Hate it. Have it.
Everyday of my life.
We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
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