the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
our conversations pretty much only consist of the phrase 'fuck you'. and the sex is fantastic. we've got a great thing going here.
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
You're too morally constrained. I firmly believe that you should be less concerned with how young she is and more excited by the fact that she's not jailbait by virtue of a legal technicality.
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize
