I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
I love that you put so much thought and effort into your nudes
I don't send half assed nudes. Go big or go home.
Randomize
