Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
he asked if i wanted their team name to be " Amandas angels" or " Fuk budies" either way an intermural softball team of all my hook ups from spring semester is just depressing. convenient but depressing
i hope this doesn't spoil anything but there are vikings and it is awesome
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
Randomize
