I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
it's great music for shaving your balls
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
Randomize
