you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
Come see our sink grown plant.
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
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