Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
high people should be assigned attendants
they said they heard you say put it in my butt
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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