I have a feeling that after last night, i'm not just going to hell. i'm going to hell on a full scholarship. free admission bitches
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
Lets both be adults and never talk about last night again.
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Randomize
