i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
okay so using the row boat as a giant snow sled probably wasn't the best idea.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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