i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
He would come to class in wrapped in nothing but a pink towel
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize