Umm I'm too high to move.
Hard rock hotel, wtf why am i still out, im gonna fuk 5 chix 2nite .maybe
your transformation into a slut upon entering college is like a shakespearian tragedy
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
Randomize
